I’ve never done this before. But, Mo Fathelbab, of the Forum Resources Network, a friend of many years, sent me a post last week that was fantastic. I asked him for permission to share it with you. And, he agreed. His website was www.forumnet.net. (As of 2020, it is no longer found- sorry.)
Do You Know this Key to Building Team Trust?
We’ve all done it. And we’ve seen it happen to those around us. Instead of talking straight to someone about a difficult situation, we go around them and vent to a mutual friend or third party.
Why do we do it? It could be because of a learned coping mechanism…or maybe we’re afraid. We don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. Or cause distress.
Sometimes a person simply chooses to keep the issue to himself instead of facing it head on. Then the feelings fester and can lead to a blow-up later on.
There’s a name for this dysfunctional process. It’s called
“triangulation” and it has many repercussions:
- The person complaining doesn’t learn to have difficult conversations.
- The person listening only hears one side and can become poisoned towards the missing person.
- The person missing doesn’t have a chance to defend herself or correct the behavior.
- The person listening may also wonder (consciously or sub-consciously) whether the complainer gripes about him, too.
- And, in a team environment, the culture becomes less trusting as a result.
In the Middle
When I was executive director of the Entrepreneurs Organization, I made the mistake early on of listening to one person complain about another. In my effort to smooth things over, I went to the other person and heard her complaints. I managed quite effectively to put myself in the middle, listening to two different stories.
As I grew wiser, I learned to refuse to be the listener. Now, whenever someone attempts to put me in the middle, I ask the complainer to address the issue directly with the other person. If need be, I facilitate the discussion between the two people concerned.
Build a Foundation of Trust
Fixing triangulation requires a commitment to tackling issues directly via open discussion. While some complaints can and should be handled privately one-on-one, the risk is that the parties may shy away from the difficult conversation, putting themselves back at square one.
Setting aside space and time at regular meetings to address issues and difficult conversations can do wonders for building a foundation of trust and mutual respect.
— Mo Fathelbab
This reminds me of a Gabriel García Marquez tale in which an old woman thinks she overhears that bad luck will fall upon a town and the gossip grows into rabid chaos that does eventually bring destruction to the poor town!
It’s definitely a skill to put ourselves in an uncomfortable situation in order to deal with difficult situations. When we think of it as a skill, we may be more likely to work on it. =) Thanks for this relevant post, Mo! And to Roy for hosting. =)
Samantha Bangayan recently posted..Waterless Days
I passed this one along, too.
I am so glad Mo’s words helped put us all in a mind to assimilate and compare the concepts.
Roy
Your post beautifully describes what can happen when different personalities attempt to work together as a team but haven’t let go of the “I” (There’s no “I” in team). For smooth operation of teams people have to be others-focused, but it’s not easy because each of us have our emotions that’s different from the next person.
As you found out, Roy, even when you listen to both sides, you’re still not getting the entire picture because each side is only from their perspective. “To err is to be human” and we just have to learn to get along and discuss matters quietly and rationally in order to develop mutual respect and trust as you noted.
Yvonne A Jones recently posted..Attend Business Networking Events to Build Relationships
Thanks for your comments, Yvonne. I have passed them on to Mo!
Roy
Maybe we should say it as it is…eh?
I loved the post…I was stuck in the “office gossip” recently and I felt I had to “listen” because I am new there and pretty new at work..but then I just got a little scared of it all when people started “shooting by resting the gun on my shoulders” (a Literal translation from a Hindi phrase)
This is such a great post!
Hajra recently posted..SAY IT LIKE IT IS
That is exactly why I implored Mo to let me post it. He sends out a wonderful newsletter, but I thought I should help expose his thinking to the widest audience. I love lessons worth learning!
Thanks for your comment, Hajra.
Roy
Hi Sir, glad to see this page, and I totally agree for what you said in here..
Fatima Hipolito recently posted..אתר מותאם לסלולר
Toda raba, Fatima, for your comment and visit. Glad you liked the post.
No prob Sir Roy my pleasure.. keep it up for posting like this..
Fatima Hipolito recently posted..שליחת SMS
Glad you like it, Fatima….
Look forward to seeing you next comments.