Driving.  I have been in love with driving since I was a drop over 13.  And, despite what anyone may tell you, for the first four years of my driving, I NEVER sped.

I also didn’t have a legal right to drive in the State of New York for those four years. (Yes, I checked.   The statute of limitations has expired on that infraction.  Oh, wait.  THOSE infractions, since I drove more than 1000 separate times during those years.)

It wasn’t until I had a license for 40 days that I came to my senses.  You see, that was the day that two New York City cops decided that I was fair game.  They pulled me over for speeding. Yup.  I was clocking 52 in a 50.   And, if you think back to those days (you’ll just have to trust me if you weren’t around then), speedometers were simply not that accurate.  (Yes, the courts threw out the charge.  But, they wouldn’t charge the cops with harassment, as I requested.)

From that day forward, I really enjoyed speed.  I figured if I were to be charged with speeding, I might as well enjoy the experience.  And, I learned how to handle my car on ice and at speeds that are best suited for 2 km ovals.  (Those really are fun to drive- unless you have to pass through a multiple car pileup…)

But, that’s driving.  Something I learned over time.  As I learned from my driving instructor, he could only teach us to operate a car- we’d learn to drive with practice.  That was the only thing I learned from him.   (After all, I had been driving for four years now.) Well, I also learned that it wasn’t fun to have to walk all the way home from Calhoun High School.  Yes Mr. Moser followed me all the way home; he was positive that I was driving to and from driver ed.  He was right- but I suspected he was going to follow me that day.  Which also forced me to walk all the way back to Calhoun to pick up my car, after he finally drove away from my house.

So, I am intrigued with all these self-driving cars.   Actually, most of them are assisted-driving.  Because they could prove really useful (in theory) to drive home drunks from a party, to get kids to where they need to go when parents are working, and to reduce the tedium of driving in rush hour traffic.

Except they really can’t.  Certainly, not yet.

The more I examine how these work, the more I realize these autonomous cars will only work when we redo our roads to insert electronic devices in our roads.  (That was the concept behind those sci fi ideas presented in the GM exhibit, Futurama, back during the 1964 World’s Fair.)

You see, the autonomous cars may be able to discern speed limits.  But, they don’t see stop signs. (Certainly, not yet.)   Nor, until the traffic lights are redesigned to proffer wireless signals, the cars don’t recognize them, either.   (The Google Car is the closest to achieving these tasks.)

Not that it’s a calamity, but the autonomous cars won’t pass that driver moving (sic) at 5 miles per hour in front of you.  Or, to determine the speeds necessary to make a series of traffic lights.  But, they will stop to let ANYONE merge into your lane- even if you’ve just been passed on the right.

Are you also wondering about that “Summon” program Tesla has promised?  So, have been I.  It turns out the car moves all of 12 meters- 40 feet- to come to you when it’s empty.  That means leaving the driveway or a parking space.  Oh- it’s also going to take 30 seconds, since the car is moving at the stately speed of 1 mph.

Moreover, these autonomous cars- even by the year 2020, will only be designed to provide transportation when the speeds available will range from 18 mph to 80 or maybe 90 mph.  NOT in stop and go traffic.  Not around town.  They will there to assist us when we travel on parkways and highways.

Oh, it gets better.  We are going to have to pay attention, too.  Because when and if the computer in the car feels overwhelmed, it is going to expect you to take over.  Sure, it will flash colors, it might even provide a warning sound.

It’s also unnerving to sit in the driver’s seat and wonder- or panic- if your car is going to stop- before it slams into the driver in front of you.  Should you yank the controls back- or wait for that flashing light to take control?  Can you wait that long?

But, if we are lost in space- or have poor reaction times- there may be an untoward circumstance or two.

But, as I alluded above, there is one “more than” drive assist vehicle.  The Google car.  The one that has no brakes, accelerator pedal, and no steering wheel.  Which means it really is driverless.  And, this vehicle is replete with lasers, radar, sensors that afford a 360 degree view of its surroundings for 200 yards.  (Now, I wonder why we can’t have such unobstructed views available for our conventional cars?)

Moreover, the Google car will be considered legal.  (At least when it comes on the market in 2020.) Because the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA)  has one-upped the Supreme Court.  You know, that ruling that corporations are people and, therefore, have the right to free speech?    Well, the Google Car is also people- it fits the legal definition of the driver.  So, now, software is people.

The official NHTSA language?  “If no human occupant of the vehicle can actually drive the vehicle, it is more reasonable to identify the “driver” as whatever (as opposed to whoever) is doing the driving.”

Actually, the first items that this ruling will address are where- and how- Google will need to comply with the design requirements for vehicles.  Where does the turn signal go?  Accelerator pedals?   Rear view mirrors?

What’s that cry again?  Four more years?