It's more than just choosing well |

So we spoke last week about the value of conscientiousness in having our marital state helping our careers. But, what helps us stay married? Science says —kindness and generosity.

Before you say, “Wait a minute!”, consider the relationships you know. Only some three (adult) couples out of ten stay together. Can having a long marriage really be that simple? Again, science says…yes!

It’s actually a parade of research over the years. John Gottman and his wife Julie, of the Gottman Institute (and Robert Levenson [University of Washington]), have been studying marital bliss for years. Now, you know I said research, so it’s not just surveys that they’ve been conducting. No, they’ve hooked couples up to sensors as they spoke about their relationships, so that heart rates, blood flows, sweat rates could be monitored. Not a one time deal- but the analysis was separated by years.

This helped them classify the couples into one of two groups that they termed “masters” and “disasters”. Come on- you know the masters were the ones still happy after the 6 year hiatus. The difference between the two? While the disasters appeared calm during their interviews, their physiology told a completely different story. (Takeaway: fast blood flow, high sweat rates [physiologically active folks] mean the relationship is not quite what it seems. That sort of physiological modality signifies the subject is experiencing the “fight or flight mode”.)

On the other hand, the masters were not considering their spouse to be that ogre about to attack. Their calm demeanor- and physiology- demonstrated their true affection for one another. They had maintained trust and intimacy with one another.

Further research by this group involved a simulated bed and breakfast scenario. (The researchers knew it was fake, the subjects did not.) And, they studied some 130 couples as they embarked on an ostensible vacation. What they found was that the “happily’s” (like the “masters” in the longer term study) involved the other partner in their experiences, asking questions that elicited responses, keeping the other involved in the commonplace events. The “disasters” kept reading or watching tv- a few even complained that their activities were being interrupted by marital discussions. (No, this was not 100% either way- but the “happily’s: averaged about an 87% positive response rate, the others were some 20 or 30 points lower. (There was another 6 year follow-up to this study, too.)

This research lets Gottman claim (with a 94% accuracy) that he can predict who will still be together or separate after six or seven years. (He also maintains this statistic is valid whether the couple is rich, poor, gay, straight, or even childless.)

Kindness is a lot harder to qualify. It’s not that you have it or you don’t. It can become stronger with exercise (yup- use it or lose it!). Those couples exhibiting kindness know that good relationships require work. And, it doesn’t mean there aren’t fights between the couples, either. But, they don’t say- you are just like your [mother/father]. They say it’s annoying what you are doing; can you try doing …. instead.

For example, assume a significant other was perpetually late. Joking that one really doesn’t appreciate the New York definition of “on time” being an hour late could be acceptable- if that partner wasn’t from New York, so it didn’t refer to the mother or father. And, one had to know that the lateness was not a personal affront. It also could be a way (if the spouting partner were from New York) that they personally had grown up that way and didn’t like it. Nor did they want it again.

Kindness between partners also involves feeling joy at the other’s good news. The disasters never join in that emotion or get ebullient with the success of their partner. But, the masters certainly do. And, it’s these sharings of success, being there when things are good, that is another contributing factor to partnership success.

This last finding did not emanate from the Gottman Institute. Drs. Shelly Gable, Gian Gonzaga, and Amy Strachman published their results in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. They classified these spousal reactions as passive destructive (PD), active destructive (AD), passive constructive (PC), and active constructive (AC).

PD simply ignore the success of the other, parrying the success with a statement of their own results. PC approve, but in an off-hand way, almost dismissive, with comments like “that’s cool”, or “that’s great”.

AD respond to the success with responses that can belittle the great news. Like a response to a promotion with “And now you will have to go in earlier and come home later!” AC responses are clearly exuberant- with the partner interrupting their own actions to provide a hug or kiss to the other.

The Gottman Institute would call this response turning toward one’s spouse, as opposed to turning away. But, it’s obvious that AC is the kindest cut of all.

So, as the late great Otis Reading sang… “Try a little tenderness” if you are still- and want to be- married.