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Yahrzeit

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Today is Rosh Chodesh Elul,  a two day minor holiday.   And, yesterday, the first day was the 15th anniversary (called a Yahrzeit) of the death of my mom.  Today, the second day, is the anniversary of my eldest daughter’s bat mitzva. (I won’t say how many years!)   Mazel tov, Shosh!  

Estelle Kuchlik, 14

“Whaddaya mean you’re not coming?”

That’s my first words on the phone call with my mom on 21 May 1997.  She was reporting she had fallen down the night before, walking up the steps to a restaurant, and is all bruised and hurting.  Wearing her 4 inch —-me heels (which she wore every day of her life, as long as I knew her).

I reminded her when Shira was born, she said she wanted to be at her bat mitzva.  (In retrospect, it was interesting that she did not say her wedding…)   She was alive, she should be there- we won’t care what she looks like.  My mother came- and had a wonderful time.  She flew back to Florida on 27 May – and never made it home.  She spent the next 97 days at the JFK Hospital.  Mostly with me by her side.

Estelle Ackerman Kaplan, 61

On the 95th day, it was clear she was not getting better.  I told her she was not going to leave the hospital, if she didn’t eat anything.  So, she complained about the food- and asked me to pick her up a hot pastrami sandwich.  (I now know where I developed my predilection for same.)  Which meant I had to drive about 55 miles to find one.  (I keep kosher; I would never consider buying a non-kosher food item for another Jew, regardless of their beliefs.)  Which she devoured.   And, never ate again.

On the morning of 1 September, I called my brother and told him to get here.  NOW!  She died that day.  On Rosh Chodesh Elul.  A minor Jewish holiday.  (One that actually is two days long.  And, where the first day is the anniversary of Shira’s older sister’s bat mitzva… Bookends.)

 

This was my first shiva, the Jewish ritual of morning, that did not have a most unusual situation.  Every other one of my relatives died on Jewish holidays.  Which meant that shiva could not take place.  The “joy” of the holiday trumped the desperation of the event.  My mom, who was definitely not ascribe to traditional Jewish beliefs, died on a holiday- but a most minor one.

And, as is true for all Jews, the burial was immediate.  It is improper to not bury the body within 24 hours of death- unless the intervening period is the Sabbath or a holiday (where work is not permitted; so no digging of the grave could occur). And, where the family members and friends take at least one shovel full of dirt to cover the plain wooden casket.  To participate in honoring the dead- who can in no way ever return the favor to those who participate in this honor.

And, we sat shiva for her in my house.  Sitting on hard stools for 7 days.  (Shiva is the Hebrew word for 7.)  Where my friends had already covered every mirror in the house.  (One is not allowed to look in the mirror during the Shiva period.  Worrying about one’s appearance is not acceptable behavior during this period.).  Where my friends had stocked my house with food.   Because I (and my brother) were not allowed to go shopping.  Where my friends and my (now ex-)wife prepared meals for us for seven days.  Where my friends came to visit me – whenever- to just be there.  (The front door may not be locked- the visitors are not permitted to ring the bell.  They come in to pay their respects.)   Where community members came every morning and every evening to join us in the morning, afternoon, and evening prayers.   And, my brother and I recited Kaddish.

The Kaddish is a most unusual prayer.  One would think that a prayer for the dead- which one is commanded to recited during all three prayer sessions (multiple times during the morning prayer; once each in the afternoon and evening prayer)- would talk about the dead.  It does not.

It is a prayer of praise for Hashem- the Supreme Being.  Reminding us that Hashem has the knowledge of what is best- even if we wish to differ.  It is a prayer where the community responds to the mourners with the Aramaic version of words found in various parts of the Tora/Bible… Blessed is His great name, His kingdom, for all eternity.   It ends with the prayer for peace in Jerusalem and for all Israel.

“What?”, you say.  What kind of prayer is that to be said when one is hurting.  When one is missing the person being mourned.  It reminds us that we must understand the cycle of life and death.  And, that following the commandments is the only way to live our lives.

This is what happens every day during shiva.  Except for the Sabbath, when the mourners can use regular chairs, join the synagogue for prayers (but not lead services or read from the Tora), and walk outside.  And, although it is a normal commandment (termed a ‘double mitzva’- twice as important) to engage in sexual relations on the Sabbath, all sexual relations are forbidden during shiva.

At the end of shiva, the mourners- and their friends- take a walk around the block.  To signify that the mourners are now rejoining the world.  The mirrors are uncovered.  The hard chairs are returned to wherever they came.  The mourners are allowed to cook for others.    But, they still wear the garment that was ripped as a sign of mourning.  (Some wear a ripped ribbon on their clothes as a signifier.)  But, still no shaving of faces for the men or wearing jewelry for the women.    Until one month from the death has elapsed.  This period is called “shloshim”, which means 30.

At the end of shloshim,  the mourners are allowed to lead services and read the Tora.  As a matter of fact, it is a tradition that the synagogue call the mourner to the Tora on this day to signify the end of the most intense periods of mourning.  The mourners can shave, wear jewelry, get hair cuts… In other words- almost a normal life.  But, we are still missing the dead.  And, cannot listen to music, attend a play or a theatrical performance.  This is our “re-entry” to normal life.

And, every day, three times a day [actually, the afternoon and evening prayers are typically said together, at dusk into evening, to make it more convenient to pray thrice a day], I went to pray with (at least) 10 others, a minyan, the minimum size for a group to join in communal prayer.  Because for 10 people, the heinous communities of Sodom and Gomorrah (English spelling) would have been spared.

Now, I should tell you that my mother was not religious.  She went to synagogue no more frequently than once a year (and I am unwilling to bet on that number, after the death of my father).  And, I am not Orthodox.  But, it’s what you do.

And, during those prayers, I had a chance to further get my life in order.  To have a conversation with the Supreme Being.  OK.  I talked.  And, somehow felt some message received.   And, this helps put the world in perspective.

It’s amazing that this happens.  No, it’s not blind faith.  But, somehow, even the less religious derive a sense of personal purpose. Some can’t express that feeling in words, but their friends and loved ones can sense the slight, ever-so-slight, change that occurs.  It may have something to do with the development of this new routine of stopping one’s daily efforts to make time for prayer, one that (often is only attributable) to the death of the loved one.

Moreover, if you are like me, always on the go, you need to do some planning.  Where is there a synagogue that has daily prayers in Kansas City, Talahassee, Albany, Cedar Rapids, Spokane, Portland…   And, when you do pray in these places, ones where you are not know, folks will come up and ask you for whom you are saying Kaddish.  Which gives you a chance to further honor the memory of the loved one.

This routine is a constant, lasting for  11 months and 1 day (which covers ’12 months’),  when the mourning period is over.  We have had sufficient time to settle our thoughts.  Put the life of the loved one in perspective.  And, it is now imperative that we fully rejoin the living.   Our mission of the past year- to honor the memory of our loved one- is over.  We are now cleared to participate in the one quest required of all of us.  To make the world better- one step at a time.

Roy A. Ackerman, Ph.D., E.A.

 

(I also want to thank Lisa Brandel, who inspired me to write an earlier version of this post.   I am honored that she has agreed to post an amplification of these concepts that will appear later this week.)
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34 thoughts on “Yahrzeit”

  1. Your mother is beautiful, Roy. She raised a good son too. You are the best and brightest of her memorials, you continue to be everyday. It was a great honor you shared this with my readers, and will be allowing to share some of my thoughts along with it. Together, we are on a quest, to make the world better. Blessings upon you my friend.
    Lisa Brandel recently posted..Flutterby Bring The Light by Lisa Brandel

    1. My mother would be thrilled to hear that, Lisa. She was a street-savvy, beautiful woman. From her stint being the ranking civilian on Governor’s Island (where the Army was headquartered before there was a Pentagon) to working with Jean Nidetch (Weight Watchers), through everything else in her life, she always wanted to be “the” one…
      I look forward to posting your “reply” on Wednesday…

      Roy

  3. Your mother is a very beautiful woman. I love the pics which you have used here.

    I can see no better tribute. I am so unfamiliar with the Jewish traditions that this comes as a very enlightening read. I did have to research and read more about a few words. Well, you got me thinking and reading more, mission accomplished! 🙂

    There a few more things that I would like to know, but I might have to read more before I ask. Any material you would recommend so I can read more about the Jewish customs and traditions?

    My prayers and thoughts for your mom.
    Hajra recently posted..Why you will always be too young / too old for social media.

    1. I am sure my mother would be honored by your kind comments, Hajra…
      There are SO many books about Jewish traditions, Hajra, that it would be more useful if you asked which segment of life you would like to see more information… I would be honored to share what sources of which I am aware.
      That’s the problem when there are 613 rules to live by- there are 6,000,000 books describing those traditions… (You HAVE heard the old joke that there are always two (or more) stories to explain each tradition…..)

      Roy

  5. Behind every Jewish boy is a Jewish mother. I today could write a book in reply to what your article has got me thinking about. Is it my daughter, whose batmizvah was 9 years ago, and soon she’ll be a mother. Is it of my mother, the doctor, still aliove but locked away in her mind, i could go on. Roy your article today was a Mitzvah, and i thank you for it. You honoured us today. I loved reading this
    Larry Lewis recently posted..10 Steps to Get You in Control Of Your Life

  6. This is a beautiful tribute to your mother, Roy. I am sure she is very proud of you, your family and the good work that you are doing.
    I enjoyed seeing the pictures and reading about the Jewish customs. The death of a parent is something that you never forget. I really like the last paragraph where you say that the mourning period is over and it is imperative that we fully rejoin the living. That is what our loved ones would want…that we live life to the fullest.
    Janette Fuller recently posted..Kindle Book For Kids: Katie Sue’s First Day Of School

    1. Thank you so much, Janette, for your kind sentiments…
      It’s interesting how these series of rituals were developed to help us recover from the loss. I have a follow-up post, compliments of Lisa Brandel, later this week that will universalize their practices…

      Roy

  8. Thanks for this post. I believe that rituals like these help with the grief, and are a good way to reconnect with the community. I am not Jewish and I like to know about different religions. This post is also a moving tribute to your Mum.
    MuMuGB recently posted..International Coffee

  9. I was not aware of all of this when I was growing up and some not until today. So what I am going to tell you will seem very strange unless you believe in a gene that transmits culture. My son committed suicide and I was undone. I found an old prayer book in my book shelf and read not just the Kaddish, but also the words that came before it. I was comforted and went back to them many times. For a month I woke up at the exact time in the morning he died. I could not bring myself to sing until the first anniversary of his death. Do you see the parallels? It’s been 10 years Aug. 6. I am so sorry for your loss, Roy. I also lost my parents when they were around the age I am now, but nothing hurt as bad as losing my son and heir. –Annie
    Ann Mullen recently posted..Help for Seniors: Teaching Your Parent about Facebook

    1. Ann:
      I think that’s fantastic that you can adopt and adapt practices that exist to help you deal with situations…
      And, I feel for the abrupt way your son decided to change his life… I have no words to express that emotion, either… I had a close friend (and employee- since all my employees are also my friends) who decided to exit this world on Christmas day, after a few prior attempts that were not recognized as same until his final exit. It wrenches my heart thinking about what could have been.
      Roy

  10. Thank you for sharing this heartfelt story Roy. It touched my heart and brought to mind so many memories from my own life. My own father is transition now and has decided to break from tradition. He doesn’t want to be buried, he wants to donate his body to UCLA Medical School for those who are studying geriatric medicine. Can we still sit Shiva if he isn’t buried and breaks tradition?

    One of the things I admire the most about the Jews is that they have an orderly life. I once thought that a bad thing. But with age brings understanding and now I know that this has been an essential element in their survival. It’s how Jews know each other after years of separation in the diaspora. You can go anywhere in the world where other Jews are and fit in and participate.

    Your mother was lovely. Is that photo of you with your mother from your own Bar Mitzva?
    Julia Neiman recently posted..What Can Your Teen Do to Earn A Million Dollars?

    1. Julia:
      Not being your rabbi (boy, are YOU lucky), I can’t proscribe or prescribe events for you. However, I do know many folks who have sat shiva for their non-Jewish relatives. It’s OUR mourning practice for the loss of OUR loved ones that apply.

      Yes, ritual does have its place. After all, how unsettling would it be if you brushed your teeth at 11 AM instead of when you wake up?

      Roy

  12. Wow – sometimes I think the Jewish religion has the most meaningful rituals. And this way of mourning is so heartfelt and wonderful. I can only imagine that it helps those who are grieving tremendously. And to be able to share it with others who understand the process and the meaning… it’s beyond words. What a beautiful post and beautiful mom. I’m sure you’ve made her very proud, Roy.
    Suerae Stein recently posted..There Better be a Rainbow…

  13. Reading about your mother touched me deeply. Probably because I never did get the opportunity to honour her. There are many special rituals in the Jewish religion that are both beautiful and touching. Thanks for sharing your caring.

  14. Enjoyed reading this for a second time… This time with pictures. Your mother is beautiful at every stage of her life. The earliest picture made me sad due to the look of the time period thinking of all the beautiful young girls (and boys) lost in the Holocaust. This is a lovely tribute to your mom.
    Carolina HeartStrings recently posted..PIZZA PASTA SALAD

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