I’m not sure I should write about this. I am trying to find something edifying, enlightening, ennobling that will render my attempt useful.
I attended a funeral today. For a child not yet 22. A friend of my son. One I hope, despite our age differences, considered me a friend, too. Using my son’s description, “one of the brightest kids I ever met”. One who spent many a night here, one who hosted my son for many a night.
Oh, those were years ago. When both my son and Mickey were in elementary and middle school. To them, it was a lifetime ago. To those of us in my age bracket, it was yesterday.
The event makes each of us confront our realities. Is there something – or a group of somethings- that can be so daunting that it would let us succumb to the choice of taking our lives? I’ve had to confront this before.
I, like many a child, wanted out – of my family, of my situation. I was lucky enough to find a teacher (Ms. Sue Katzman) who explained to me that where I am is only temporary. I have the right to choose a goal- or a series of goals- make plans, and achieve them. To NOT let someone else tell me what I can or cannot do- unless it becomes painfully obvious that I can’t- and then seek another path. But, otherwise go forward, undaunted.
I confronted others in the same situation. No, not first hand, at this juncture I now describe. But, while in grad school, there was an epidemic; a slew of students who decided that the pressure was too great, the demands too high. And, instead of using their creative geniuses to develop new theories, new processes, or new products, they turned that genius to conceive and achieve new paths to commit suicide.
I had an employee and a friend who did the same. Who decided to try to drive a car (mine, by the way) off the mountains of the Shenandoah Trail. OK, he succeeded in doing that, but not in killing himself. And, when I and others at the office confronted him, he explained that he lost control in the snow. We foolishly believed him. We realized how stupid we were when he didn’t come to work Christmas week, a month later. And, when we sought him out at home, he was hanging from a belt. For at least a day…
Should we have done more? What could we have done? Oh, we found his reasons. And, to be honest, given his reasons, it is not clear- to this day, some 25 years later- that we could have made a difference.
But, that does not reflect or refract the issues about Mickey. Who left behind a loving mother, an adoring father, a doting sister, and a young nephew. Who left behind a room full of friends who came to say goodbye. Who left behind countless others, like my son, who could not make the trip from Michigan (or elsewhere) to Virginia to share the love and grief they feel.
As is often the case in events such as this, there are more questions than answers. Which means that we demand those answers from the Supreme Being. Not much differently than did David, who left us a roster of 150 psalms that expressed his delight, his consternations, and his considerations.
The rabbi used this one (15) on Thursday, I will share my translation with you…
Hashem- who has the right to dwell in your surroundings?
Who can share your space on high?
Perhaps, the one who can prove blameless, do what is right, and speak truth to others.
Certainly, the one who offers no slander, acts justly to his neighbor, and never blames or curses another.
Or, the one who despises those that do evil, yet runs to honor those who follow You.
One who keeps his word- no matter the cost, and does not waiver in such efforts.
One who offers help to the poor with no desire for gain or interest,
Or, never turn against the innocent even if offered a fortune.
Yea, these people will never be shaken in their beliefs and remain steadfast in your dwelling.
Mickey. Please watch over us from that mountaintop. Keep my children, your family, and your friends in your heart. They will keep you in theirs. I know that from experience.
Most of you also know that Adam Swartz also inflicted the same punishment upon himself this past week. Please, please, if this situation is one in which you find yourself, and you can’t reach out to a friend or loved one- call the National Suicide Help Line. NOW!
I’m grieving with you, Roy. You know suicide hits me where I live. If I can do anything for you, your son, or Mickey’s family please let me know. I could paint something for them if you wanted…it would be an honor to do. Sending you my love, prayers, and hugs.
Lisa Brandel recently posted..Going Home by Lisa Brandel
Thanks for your kind thoughts, Lisa…
I am sorry for your loss, Roy. I am glad you included the link to the National Suicide Help Line. It seems that many troubled youth are hesitant to reach out to others for help. They don’t want to admit that they are suffering from depression…or worse.
I heard yesterday that Texas ranks #50 among all the states in mental health facilities and resources. Sad.
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Thanks, Janette…
Yes, this is a situation that, in various places in this country and others, reaches epidemic proportions. Sometimes, it is aided and abetted by alcohol and drugs (including the prescription kind)…which does not make it easier.
But, we – those of us who recognize that something is a little off- need to show our love, our concern, and be there. And, the use of resources is critical in those actions.
Very difficult. There is always a tendency to think that talking could have helped, and it may well have done.
The problem is that depression is a chemical situation in the physical sense, so talking isn’t always enough.
Another problem is the initial approach, because people in that situation are very adept at keeping their situation to themselves.
Always a time to ponder, you can’t let something like that happen *without* reflection and contemplation.
Gordon
The Great Gordino recently posted..Goal Achievement – Fly Like The Eagle!
Your last sentence is a gem, Gordon! Thanks for sharing it.
How sad for you, Roy. What a tough week this must have been for you, your family and community. You are in my thoughts, as is your son.
Nanette Levin recently posted..Two old maples, two squirrels and strategic marketing musings
Thanks for your kind thoughts, Nanette.
I fear the world might have lost some great future thought leaders this week.
Thank you for sharing your story with us. While I have not experienced this personally. I worked for a youth center that had a crisis line and I have talk to many that were on this path. I am thankful I had the opportunity to help some. My prayers go out to you during this difficult time.
Wyneatte recently posted..3 Tips to Overcoming the Winter Blues
Thanks, Wyneatte, for sharing your feelings. And, I want to thank you for your efforts at the youth center, too!
I’m so sorry to hear of this losS. I use to think this issue had to do with age. Young teens & early 20’s who just couldn’t see over the next bend in the road but that isn’t true any more as more and more adults are turning to this. I hope that they reach out for help, that they talk and people listen. God bless you and your family.
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It’s not a factor of age- although that does help. It is a factor of feeling alone and desperate, though, Shawn. Hence, the need to reach out and touch someone- and be touched oneself.
So sorry to hear this Roy. It’s tragic and, while incomprehensible, I am sure most of us have had moments – or longer- of despair which we can see might have led us down a different path if something, who knows, had not shown us that it was worth ploughing forwards. So sad for Mickey’s family, for your son and all his friends. We have the Samaritans here as a help line. Lonely and desolate as things can seem, there actually is always someone waiting to hear from a desperate person.
Harriet Stack recently posted..Sharing and caring
Thanks so much for those kind and thoughtful words, Harriet. I will pass them along…
Roy, I’m sorry to hear of the loss of someone special in your family’s life. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It’s so sad that he left so early in his life. Hopefully his family is not blaming themselves for what happened. When something similar happened to our neighbors, they decided to go on a speaking tour and tell their son’s story to as many high school students as they could. Their hope is to educate others and convince students who may feel that suicide is their only way out, that there are other options. They let the students know how many lives they’ll affect by taking their own life.
lisa kanarek recently posted..Stuff Happens When You Work From Home
I have a feeling that Mickey’s parents will do something similar. Adam Swartz’ family is bringing out the actions of the prosecutor that led to his self-hanging.
Thanks for sharing that fact, Lisa.
Every little bit that we do to bring this discussion to the open can offer hope to others and possibly save another person from such a fate.
I’m sorry for your loss and for Mickey’s family’s. Suicide is always so hard to understand. Hindsight being 20-20 we are left asking what could we have done? Well written about a very difficult topic. Thanks.
Thanks for your kind sentiments, Alessa!
My prayers and thoughts for the family and the loved ones. I lost a friend to suicide a few years back. That shook me because I somehow wished I could have helped and blamed myself for being so ignorant of the pain she was going through. We met her everyday at college and didn’t understand. I keep wondering – are they really good at hiding their feelings and internalizing them or did we miss out the subtle signs.
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Yes, Hajra, your reaction is not atypical. I wondered for the longest time what I could have done differently. All I could do was listen attentively and offer my love and companionship. If I had an inkling, I could have suggested a counselor- but I didn’t- and it is not clear to me this day that a visit to the counselor would have ensued due to my recommendation.
Roy, my son chose that way out and so have a number of people around his age in South Texas. I don’t know what any of us could have done to this day, ten years later. He was seeing a psychiatrist and a counselor. None of that mattered. He saw first hand what happened when his 40 something uncle died 7 months before he did. That didn’t matter. Mental illness isn’t something that can be easily fixed. Please accept my condolences and tell the family that they are not grieving alone.
Mental illness is an issue that is not addressed by our health care system, as well, Ann. So sorry to hear about your son!
Thank you. Yes, mental illness is not something that doctors know what to do about. They just throw pills at the problem and hope that works.