Relationships require two factors. One is the ability to understand the world from the other’s perspective. The second is to recognize that collaboration with one another and helping the other is the primary issue- not what one derives from the relationship.
As a creative entrepreneur, the first part has never been a large problem for me. I always try to understand what it is that other people want. Sometimes, I may be more than a few steps ahead of them (which limits my ability to profit from that experience), but the eventual vindication of my “offering” still leads to psychic (if not financial) rewards. (Like our dry cleaner in a plastic bag, developed in the early 1980’s.)
A skilled negotiator knows that seeking one’s shared interests and asking questions of the other is what separates them from the rest of the pack. The first move should also be to help the other or nurture his/her needs. It’s one of the traits that has been honed into me that separates me from many another a technocrat. From my parents’ early desires to insure that I could empathize to subjecting myself to Dale Carnegie courses, it’s a skill that needs continual development.
I truly relish relationships- the real kind. I have been fortunate to have more than a few good friends. And, fortunate more so to have plenty of almost good friends. In a variety of environments.
Some of my circle can be found almost any morning at my local coffee shop, St. Elmo’s, the place I have written about often. Where a group of us come together to solve the problems of the world- only to have the world develop new ones for us to solve tomorrow.
Another group sprang from my synagogue. One that lasted for more than a decade. We not only met while praying (and eating), but had biweekly get-togethers where we studied together. But, like all groups, things change. And, need pruning and regrowth. Unfortunately, I had vacated that synagogue four years previously and no longer could draw new people into the group (as folks moved away) to keep it vibrant- and, seemingly, no one else was up to the task. So, it withered away.
So, it is true with virtual relationships. Those valuable social media interactions that have grown up over the past decade or so. It’s critical to keep oneself attuned to the other’s interests, to collaborate on their level, to insure the relationship ensues. The advantage is that “moving away” is no impediment.
In “real life” when a friend or co-worker needs help, you head on over and do so. Yes, even if “Person of Interest” is on the tube. You do so not only because he/she needs your help- but because you know you can count on him or her should you be in a similar bind in the future. “Real life” relationships are strong. The further “down” your network you proceed, the weaker the bond, and the less likely this behavior would occur.
This is what social networks really are. Weaker bonds, ones that don’t necessarily lead to their showing up at your virtual doorstep to offer that help when you need it. Which is how YOU can distinguish yourself from the others by doing so.
Know your friend’s values, priorities, and challenges. Keep in touch with them. Provide a small gift- one easy to provide- which is often helpful advice, information, or introductions. Try to do so in ways that are unique to you. And, make sure they are not “expensive”- because then these come off as a bribe.
This is the way to keep your virtual relationships as vibrant as your real-life ones. Now, you can network.
In a very small way I have offered this kind of advice to my friends trying to build their blog readership. My first advice is become a reader of other people’s blog, comment, and promote things you find of value. Be consistent is the second bit of advice, and the third is be true to who you are. Great Post, Roy, but I don’t expect anything less as I have come to know you as a person of excellence! Cheers!
Thanks so much for your kind words, Lisa! Love those three tenets!
Great post Roy, I think you’ve expertly defined the true purpose and intent of “social media” – great stuff my friend!
Tor Constantino recently posted..Wisdom: 10 Words or Less…
Thanks a lot, Tor!
Glad you liked the post…(9 words…)
Excellent post, Roy. It captures the simplicity of building relationships, and like anything worth pursuing, it requires nurturing.
Cathy Miller recently posted..Health Care Tuesday Shares Insurance Exchange Information
Thanks, Cathy! For the visit AND the comment.
Roy
Nice! The most important part which you mention in the beginning is the aspect of knowing things from the others perspective. Especially in the online world where people come from varied cultures and thought processes; the difference of perspective is bound to come in!
Loved this post Roy! I thought a study on online relationships might come by 😉
Hajra recently posted..Will they call you over for a Bloggers Party?
Glad you liked the post, Hajra!
And, I certainly agree with you, too!
Roy
You wrote this post for me today! Thank you, Roy! Relationships have been on my mind a lot these past few months; how to cultivate them, how to make the experience better for all involved, and how to relish and treasure each and every one of them with the same uniqueness in which they exist — no matter if in the virtual or physical world.
Glad you liked it, PeggyLee!
And, you have characterized the situation perfectly.
Roy
It’s funny for me. I have always been kind of a loner, needing to interact with very few people in my line of work. Things change and we have to change along. Building healthy relationships (based on trust and common interests) seem to very more important now than ever. The funny part is that I feel this change is for good.
OK. I started to answer you yesterday, Gustavo. And, I need to apologize. Because using my cellphone, I removed the link (unintentionally) to your wonderful blog. So, first- Gustavo’s blog is here: http://frugal-science.com/blog/
Now, to your note. I am so glad we did get a chance to meet and converse. Between your comments and your cartoon/comics, I’ve enjoyed the association.
Roy
Weaker bonds tend not to show up at ANY doorstep and the fastest way to experience a natural “pruning” of your relationships tree occurs during times you need help and support. When my late husband passed, it became very clear as to who the real friends were (those who were there for me) and the people who had only been there because he could get them work. Initially, it was very painful but then I realized that they had done me a favor as my life was now populated by people like you, Roy, who show up not out of what will it do for me but out of this is part of what it is to be human…giving to others when there isn’t necessarily anything to get.
Tambre Leighn/coaching by tambre recently posted..Passing It On…Words of Wisdom
I add my same comment that I gave Roberta for you, as well, Tambre.
This post is an excellent reminder that you have to demonstrate that you “care” to keep a relationship alive. Friendship is a two-way street and it will not survive if each person does not invest themselves in it.
You are so right when you say that we must keep attuned to the other person’s interests and to collaborate on their level. I think social media (especially Facebook) has really helped me stay attuned to many of my old friends that I seldom get to see.
I had to smile when you mentioned the Dale Carnegie courses. About 30 years ago I had a friend who tried to talk me into enrolling in these classes. I never did…but now I wish I had.
Janette Fuller recently posted..Make A Music Video With Animoto
It is never too late to learn, Jannette. Glad I could make you smile.
That line about knowing values, priorities and challenges is one of the reasons that I keep connecting and feel we are almost friends. That bodying up stuff helps even more because you can share activities – prayer, eating, drinking… but in the virtual world you share the soul. I think that is why so many people are finding successful on line life and work partners.
Roy I hope you share that feeling of almost friend with me.
Roberta recently posted..More Yeah, Yeah and less Blah, Blah
I am absolutely astonidhed to have found such friends as you. Roberta, in this ‘brave’ new world of the internet.
I look forward to our (almost) daily conversations.
Roy
Roy, your first paragraph, especiall the last sentence is so profound. SO many people need to learn that lesson these days. Around here we have family (not always blood but those we treat as such), friends, and fair weather friends. Similiar to what you have talked about. Some people make a real difference in your life, others are a flash in the pan. Either way your character shows in how your treat them doens’t it?
A post that I’m sure will be having many people looking more closely at their relationships.
Bonnie recently posted..Are you ready yet?
Thanks for your thoughts, Bonnie.
These small exchanges between associates are imperative in keeping the small business community alive! Stick together, build each other up. It may not lead to direct sales as quickly as we’d like, but it can lead to valuable life lessons and great friends!
And, it may never lead to direct sales- but it does provide us with more than ample room for thought and growth, Jenny!
I love the idea of collaboration in relationships and meeting people on the internet. I am very limited in my social sphere in reality, but on places like this comment tribe I have met so many wonderful people that would not have passed my door otherwise. Everyone I spend time with enriches my life and helps me find wisdom that I can then share with others. Touching my computer keys I feel the deep connections that flow through electrical lines, air waves and the universe between all. I know that when I stumble someone is there with a hand extended to me and I in turn extend one to whomever needs mine. I don’t see a designation for almost friends here. To me that is what collaboration is.
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And, to that, I have absolutely nothing to add.
Thanks for that contribution, Ann…
Hi Roy,
I agree with you that intially relationships on social networks are weak. But as with any relationship be that online or offline both parties need to invest in learning about each other.
As you so eloquently said “Know your friends, values, priorities and challenges”
Many people forget that it is not all about you, its about helping others achieve. If you can do those then those weaker bonds will strengthen and when you need that person they will be there!
Regards,
James
James Debono recently posted..9 Marketing tips for Small Business That Won’t Break The Bank!
You said it eloquently, James.
Thanks for adding to this discussion!
Roy
Roy,
May I be the first to say, Thank you for demonstrating this kind of care to me in a virtual sort of way. You have helped me and encouraged me countless times, and we’ve never met in person. We hear so much about the negatives of virtual friendships; it is good to hear how we can ensure our experience will be a positive one. That happens when we give of ourselves in sacrificial ways. You do this with your constant encouragement, help and advice. So, thank you Roy!
God bless you,
Debi
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Thank you very much, Debi. It’s been a pleasure to “meet” you…
Roy
Roy, I have been really surprised to find that building relationships online has led to some truly rich friendships…friendships I would not have made any other way. I continually seek to make these friendships more “sticky” because, for whatever reason, I sometimes feel that they are also the ones that can go away more quickly too. After all, they ARE virtual!
Have you found this to be the case over time, or have you found that your virtual relationships that have translated to IRL have had the same kind of permanency over time?
Obviously, I don’t have long term data for myself. I have been using (and meeting) people via the ether or via mail for a long time. But, most of those early encounters all involved scientific endeavors. Where we did cross paths in real life at scientific events. And, I have many a friend (not among my top 20, but friends) from those encounters.
My recent social endeavors have provided me a different choice. Some, I have met in real life. Others span the globe and we have not (or not yet) crossed the true-life threshold. So, we shall see…
Roy
Well I knew you would get a lot of engagement on this topic Roy. But I have to say, this is probably one of your best writings since I’ve know you! You clearly stated and simply put the reasons why networking is important to each other and to those relationships that we build. Personal or business it really does boil down to what you say …. ‘know your friends values, priorities and challenges’ — ‘keep your virtual relationships as vibrant as your real-life one’ …. a message I truly will remember!
Lynn Brown recently posted..Taking Action Why You Need to Take the Plunge NOW
Thank you so much for your kind words, Lynn. I am thrilled you really liked this piece! (Maybe it got better with age- it was in the queue for over a month….)
Roy