I’ve often said that I learned how to raise my children by choosing to the the opposite of what my parents did.   (And, having had all of them here this past few days to celebrate Pesach reminded me how great my children are, but that’s only anecdotal…)  Now, research is indicating that those choices I made pay off.

One of the keys to the successful raising of children is to praise their effort over their ability.  That keeps one’s kids more motivated.  (My parents never complimented either for me; my ability was a given and my effort was never enough.)

 

 

And, I wanted my children to be mentschen.  That is one word that really has no direct English translation.  It means being a person worth noting.  A person who does the right things for the right reasons.  It does not mean one is perfect, however.   (Only the Supreme Being achieves that ideal.)

 

Most parents want their children to be kind, compassionate, helpful individuals (also part of being mentschen).  Most of us fail to raise such children.   There are indications that some of these attributes (more than a 1/4, but less than 1/2) are inherited.

 

And, if we praise our young toddlers (rather than reward their behaviors), the propensity to continue being kind and generous is augmented. (I can still recall how pleased I was when my 3 year old daughter could not figure out how to convert a $ 10 bill she received as gift into a $ 1 donation to tzedaka- charity.)

 

And, about 30 years ago, Drs. Joan Grusec and Elena Redler determined (using 7 and 8 year old children) that praising the children’s character and not their actions afforded future similar behaviors.   Additional research showed it is more effective to encourage your child to be a helper than to ask them to help. Likewise telling your children not to cheat was not as effective (actually only 1/2 as effective) as telling them to not be a cheater.

 

But, the age of a child is critical for these actions to “work”.  At 5 years of age, there seems to be no lasting impact.  At 10,  it seems to be too late to make much difference. The sweet spot seems to be around 8 years of age.   That seems to be the age when a child’s personal identify is being forged.

 

Likewise, the use of shame and guilt have been studied.   Drs. Karen Barrett, Carolyn Zahn-Wexler, and Pamela Cole reported in Cognition and Emotion their research that toddlers became avoiders if they felt shame; they were amenders (fixed the system) if they experienced guilt.   Shame is what toddlers feel if the parents express anger at the child’s actions or threaten punishment.  As such, a parent should instead make clear to the child that the parent is disappointed.

 

And, like my daughter, who recognized that charity is an important consideration whenever one has money, behaviors are learned when parents act without preaching.  Because children recognize that actions do speak louder than words.   Which is how my children learned about charity, about extending oneself to help others, to become mentschen.

 

So, whatever you call the behavior you want your children to model, remember that actions- our actions– are what shapes their character.