I read a post the other day that really bothered me. Really, really bothered me. No, I won’t quote the source here, because that would only embarrass the person who posted it. This person thought she was promoting her husband in her kids’ and grandkids’ eyes by telling them he was “Superman”.
Oh, we all want to appear superhuman to our children. It’s one of the reasons why we run around trying to do everything- so they will want for nothing and think the best of us. But, there is a vast difference between reaching heroic (or near) status and inventing heroic status.
Now, I will not claim heroic status. Yes, I have done some heroic things. I’ve also done some stupid things. (Sometimes they are one and the same.) But, my children know what drives one to do certain things, why those things have to be done, and why they should consider same. And, given my reaction to X’ post, I did some further research on the subject.
One of the more interesting researchers I ran across was Dr. Sara Staats of the Ohio State University, Newark. Who has been studying this issue for some time now. Among her publications include The Hero Concept: Self, Family, and Friends who are Brave, Honest, and Hopeful (among my favorites), Honesty and Heroes: A Positive Psychology View of Heroism and Academic Honesty, and Heroes Don’t Cheat.
Her research over the years has determined that that there are certain aspects of our “makeup” that renders us more likely to effect what others consider to be heroic acts. For starters, these folks have a strong sense of moral and social responsibility. Given that makeup they are far more likely to intervene on behalf of others.
Putative heroes are also more likely to be hopeful. After all, putting oneself at risk to help others has to involve either total stupidity (no, that’s not it) or the belief that everything will turn out for the best. They don’t consider (at least not too much) the possibility that they will be hurt or will suffer some consequence.
Another thing that generally is necessary is the knowledge of what to do. If someone has had a heart attack and you don’t know CPR, then your intervention will do nothing. You don’t have a clue how to save that person. Likewise, good coping skills- the knowledge that one can handle challenges successfully is critical- because the heroic act does not guarantee a successful outcome; “winging it” is going to be involved.
It also turns out that we need to be in a good mood to consider an intervention. It also seems that crowds tend to ‘crowd out’ heroic acts. Empathy is also a critical factor- because someone has to “feel” the pain of the other to act to render the situation better.
What I also found interesting was her finding that students that don’t cheat are also of the “heroic” stock. Their values of bravery, honesty, and empathy would render them more prone to feel guilty than others had they elected to cheat. (Yes, they may have cheated once or twice, but that feeling of guilt lingers, which then squelches future instances of cheating.) These findings were determined via experimentation; characteristics of honesty, courage, and empathy were the best predictors of academic honesty and the lack of these traits were associated with the tendency to cheat in an academic environment.
I’ve never cheated on an exam. And, for one institution that employed honor codes, my essay for acceptance took their pledge to task- if one would cheat, what affect would writing on a document that one would not cheat really do? After all, wouldn’t the cheater just as likely lie on that document?
Finally, Staats and her cohorts found that values that inspire heroism are typically taught in childhood. But, just teaching the values is not enough- the children need to grow up watching their parents in heroic situations to consider doing the same for others.
And, my children have seen situations where one must act. Sometimes, they were recruited to help- especially if I were actively engaged in CPR, or pulling someone from a smoldering car. They had to flag down additional help or call for assistance. They also learned the need to share at early ages, too.
So, yes, I feel a little vindicated now. What about you? Will you teach your children heroic values or just tell them you are one?
Heroic values? Tough one.
I try to teach my kids to be nice to people. I certainly give up a lot for my kids. But would I be a hero in a truly character-defining moment? Not having been there, I can say with confidence, “Of course!” But that might change if such an opportunity ever proved me to be more of a coward.
My older daughter already knows to “suck it up” when she is sick or injured, that “the show must go on”. I guess we have taught her something. And she and a couple friends initiated a charity drive at school. That is positive.
But where does “hero” come into any of this?
David Leonhardt recently posted..Anonymous Sources – is it ethical to use them?
David:
Your comments are absolutely on-target!
That’s the point i was trying to make. We need to model the behaviors we want our children to learn. What others consider heroes, what folks with unnatural powers can or can’t do are totally immaterial. It’s what we make with the fabric of our lives that helps “dress us” in the way we wish to be seen.
Roy
Agreed, having character is much more important than being perceived as a character. By definition, character is an outward manifestation of action – not merely perception. Great post – I love the hero test, btw.
Tor Constantino recently posted..5 Components of Character
I loved the test, too, Tor. And, as I wrote to Janette Fuller, we need to model the behaviors we want our children to learn. It’s better than any aggrandizement or embellishment proffered!
I am not sure that the writer that you mention was really trying to “invent heroic status” for her husband by telling her children/grandchildren that he is “Superman”. Maybe is has not saved lives or worked in a field where heroic acts are recognized, but he might have “SUPER” qualities such as love, joy, peace, long suffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness and temperance.
I respect and honor the many heroes who perform heroic acts. I know that many heroes never receive public recognition but just do what they have to do.
I bet there are many men out there who would give just about anything to have their wife admire, respect and love them the way this woman must love her husband. If this man is “Superman” in the eyes of his family, he must have his priorities straight.
Janette Fuller recently posted..Children’s Book Review: Freedom Song! The Story of Henry "Box" Brown
I think the person you described is what I would call a “mentsch”, Janette. That is NOT a superhero.
Inventing fake persona for our children does not serve that purpose. Our children, when young, already consider us the “end-all and be-all”. As they get older, they begin to question, to doubt, and to learn the difference between reality and fantasy. If we’ve steered them wrong – and they WILL remember- it will be that much harder for us to guide them on their journey to maturity.
I say model the behavior you want for your kids. They’ll learn it well.
Roy
I don’t think our concept of hero will change much until the norms of who we admire as a culture changes. I think many people see celebrities, and sports figures as heroes so people like super man and such are our idea of heroism. I personally see people like you, and doctors and researchers trying to cure diseases as heroic….but more than that like you describe…I see people who when faced with choices of morality choose the higher ground as being heroes. After all, the easier path the one of less resistance is tempting. But there is no cheat to being a good person.
Lisa Brandel recently posted..Midnight Angel by Lisa Brandel
Oh, yes, Lisa—
We lionize our celebrities (even folks like the lady who just hit and ran someone in New York [yes, I don’t know her name, because I don’t care one whit about her].)
Let’s leave the hero shtick for our fiction and just aim for the best results for ourselves and our communities.
The all too human character has far more value in my eyes than the fantasy of perfection.
Cathy Miller recently posted..Friday Lite Posts Fall in Line
Cathy:
I’m absolutely with you…
I actually wrote a similar thought in reply to another person (can’t recall whom) saying we should leave the heroes and superheroes to our fiction and just do what’s right and just- and teach our children the same.
Roy
Roy, don’t you think a mentsch (don’t worry, I looked up the definition of this word) is modeling behavior he wants for his kids?
How often does the average man have the opportunity to be a superhero?
The real “Supermen” are living a life of integrity 24/7.
Janette Fuller recently posted..Children’s Book Review: Freedom Song! The Story of Henry "Box" Brown
Sorry to throw in a word that’s not in the vernacular!!!
I think folks just need to do the right thing. And, let’s let fiction deal with heroes!
Thanks for your additional information, Janette.
Great post. Teaching good character is so important. So much selfish behavior out there. Apart from being “fun” the quiz was eye opening to me in terms of how confidence is linked to heroic qualities….
Carolina HeartStrings recently posted..AUTISM – HIGH SCHOOL AND BEYOND…
Right! It’s not the “hero”, it’s the person we need to develop!
Thanks, Alessa!
Empathy is an interesting trait Roy as for some time people thought it was innate. We were either born with it or not. What we have discovered is that it can be learned.
You compiled some interesting research here. I’ve long been fascinated by how a crowd mentatlity can affect others.
I think it also depends on what you call heroic. Sure CPR/flagging down help is heroic but so is the child who finds the courage to tell an adult about abuse. As are the people I’ve seen who go into situations of abuse to resuce both children and animals day after day and get their hearts broken and their souls trampled.
I wonder how these people fit into the traits?
Bonnie recently posted..It’s The Same World
I like that idea, too, Bonnie.
We need to have our kids feel safe in all situations…And, it’s really tough to break out of that cycle when you see no clear path out.
I just watched Act of Valor last night. My husband and I are both Army veterans. Many of my friends are or have been in the military. Most of my friends have stopped to help people in accidents, rescue them from fires, etc. But we don’t think of any of these things as being heroes. It’s just what you do.
Amethyst Mahoney recently posted..How to Plan Your Blog Posts
ABSOLUTELY correct, Amethyst! It’s the right thing to do for the right reasons. And, it serves as an example for others to not sit by the sidelines and get off their duffs to help those in need, to help those with a little less than we have…
It amazed me that two of the six questions began with “fear does not prevent me”. There are lots of scary things in the world, but when it comes to helping someone or even saying the unpopular opinions to protect those I know who feel that, but are too afraid to speak them aloud, fear does not prevent me. I think my children know that about me. Thanks for the deep thoughts, Roy.
Ann Mullen recently posted..Our Home Care Mission
I love that statement, Ann!
And, yes, many of us fail to “do something” because we are afraid of what others may think, what may happen if we only achieve a small success…
Hi Roy, I see I have earned an anonymous mention in your post. I appreciate your looking out for me by not mentioning my name, but I would not have minded if you did. I am in agreement with you one hundred percent on what it means to model ourselves before our children and grandchildren with good behavior, kindness, and helpfulness. I do make a point to mention to the kids opportunities to appreciate my husband for the sacrificial way he serves our family and others, and I do this with real-life instances as well as in more playful form like my blog stated.
I love to play with my children/grandchildren. That’s where the Superman story comes in (The Family Secret). Of course, even though their eyes are wide as they take in the story, I know they don’t believe that my husband is Superman. It is fun to watch them come up with questions as their minds go to work with an unbelievable story. I think it stimulates their imagination when the subject comes up as we interact. I suppose you and I simply differ in some ways, and that’s okay. I respect you and appreciate your concern, and I also remind you that my blog is (supposedly) humorous in nature. I am hopeful that my stories will encourage others and lighten their day. I would in no way elevate fictional heroes over real life ones as I relate with my kids. I had no idea the power that a story such as this has to generate such a conversation. You are quite a teacher, Roy.
Bonnie Anderson recently posted..Famous People Who Almost Know Me (http://lifeonthelighterside.com/2012/09/18/famous-people-who-almost-know-me/)
Bonnie:
Thank you so much for elucidating your thoughts behind the column. I appreciate them immensely.
I loved hearing your explanation behind the thoughts- proving yet again that one can never completely discern the reasons “behind something done” without hearing the rasons directly form the one involved.
I hope everyone reads your original post (http://lifeonthelighterside.com/2012/08/21/the-family-secret/) that led me to post my thoughts, now that you have provided me permission to so list it.
Thanks for your visit, your comments, and your explanation!!!!
Roy
Hi Roy!
in childhood i was think that superman and batman are occure in really but as time grow i knew this is the imagination .in my opinion true hero is a hero who fight for remove the evils by root and rescue the people from problem and difficulties.i like your blog.
anshul recently posted..Inventory Management Software
Anshul:
I think we all may exhibit the character traits of Superman or Batman on occasion. But, I have seen no one flying around lately, and I, for one, won’t be seeking out any caves to serve as my residence!
Roy
What an interesting discussion Roy. I find it difficult to comment without having read the initial article you reference. Is it possible that to the woman who called her husband a superhero, he really is that in her mind?
I agree that we don’t need labels and to build someone up unnecessarily as being a superhero, sets them up for failure their children up for disappointment and perhaps disillusionment when they discover he’s really not a hero.
My own father saved the lives of two babies from a burning building and was called a hero by their parents and I guess to them he was a hero. I’ve seen the newspaper articles detailing the event. I was on a year old and was also saved from that fire. But my dad never called himself a hero and my mother never called him a hero. They both just said there was no other choice really, he did what had to be done. Although knowing my dad as I do, I suspect he enjoyed his temporary hero status.
I was brought up to believe that you must always do the right thing, help those who need your help and live in integrity.
Julia Neiman recently posted..A Call to Action on Behalf of Young Entrepreneurs
Julia:
Bonnie Anderson’s comments reference the original article to which I responded. (http://lifeonthelighterside.com/2012/08/21/the-family-secret/)
Your statement about labels and potential failure is what drove my posting these thoughts.
I absolutely adore your last sentence!
Thanks for the visit and the comment.
Roy
I agree with Nisha that it’s important to lead by example. I used to tell my kids that I had super powers…the power to ground them if they didn’t listen, but that joke grew old quickly! It’s important to act like a hero, help others and be a contributing member of society. If we do something inappropriate or dishonest, we send a message to our kids and family that that behavior is OK. There are several heroes in my life and I’ve told them that they’re my heroes. We can and definitely should see others as superheroes for the acts they do (the good ones) but it’s wrong of them to claim to be superheroes. There’s no humility in that.
I love this comment, Lisa. Just like Christian folks teach their kids about Santa Claus and they recognize when that myth needs to be debunked, the same applies to our little ones about what is and is not true about ourselves.
Thanks for reminding me to make that clear.
Hi Roy! Thanks for another engrossing read–Somehow our kids look up to us too much up to the extent that they think we can do and give them anything. I couldn’t agree with you more when you mentioned that a heroic act does not guarantee a successful outcome and this is exactly the kind of parenting I want to enforce. As much as possible I want my daughter to realize that like any other human being, I have weaknesses too.
Joy:
That, to me, is the best lesson we can provide our children. We want them to do the best things, to make the world better- but to recognize that not all things are possible (at least in the time frame in which we operate).
Thanks for adding to this conversation. I appreciate your comments.
Rightly said–This way our kids will learn the value of managing their expectations. My daughter looks up to me mainly because I make it a point to attend to all her needs all the time and I think that I’ve gained her respect because she listens intently to everything I have to say. Thanks for the engrossing read. More Power!
Kristine@Geelong Triathlon Training recently posted..Hello world!
Great addition to the conversation, Kristine! Thanks for dropping in and leaving a comment, too!