The only reason why divorce is seemingly on a downturn right now is because of the economy. With house sales down and many of them underwater, spouses can’t afford to pull the plug. And, although my personal ptrack record sucks, I happen to think that’s a good thing.
You see, there is new research that says the majority of divorces do not result from abuse or high conflict. No, they occur because the spouses have drifted apart and/or have never developed methods to handle routine disputes without acrimony. Oh- it’s these very divorces that leave children of divorce at higher risk than those that emanate from conditions of abuse or high conflict. At least in the latter, the children consider the results more placid and/or beneficial.
Some of the research is coming from the work of William Doherty (University of Minnesota). Yes, he is the same professor who advocates family meals (so do I, by the way) and is a member of various political groups one would associate with the kind of findings I will be recounting. But, just like I am a liberal and believe that research should be untainted, one should grant Doherty’s research the same legitimacy.
(I am not sure that I am willing to extend that credence to his desire to pass a law demanding a minimum 1 year waiting period for divorce, which is the goal of the political organization with which he is affiliated. Many states already have a 1 year waiting period- Virginia, among them, and there is no “gold rush” to any reconciliation processes.)
Regardless of the source of this study, people must realize that divorce also affects the economic well-being of families dramatically. As I reported earlier, one of the prime reasons why people “drop out” of the Middle Class is due to divorce. And, the concept of teaching children that marriage is like a fairy tale, with the “happily ever after” result is not doing them- or the economic well-being of anyone else- any favors.
Recently, Doherty and his “Couples on the Brink” team interviewed 2500 immanent-to-divorce parents in Minnesota. He found that 10% were willing to reconcile and in another 10% of the cases, one of the spouses was amenable to reconciliation. Spouses earlier in the process reported higher numbers that were willing to reconcile.
Doherty and Chief Justice Sears (Georgia Supreme Court) have joined together, publishing Second Chances: A Proposal to Reduce Unnecessary Divorces. Through the auspices of the Institute for Family Values, a 14 year old foundation headquartered in New York, that aims to promote marriage and discourage divorce.
I didn’t know about the one year wait law for divorce and frankly was surprised by it. I can’t imagine that helping in most cases. A divorce seems to be something that no one really wants, but needs because they can’t manage things together anymore. These are adults and it seems that once they’ve gotten to the point of actually seeking a divorce, in most cases, there’s no turning back in their minds. It does seem like it would just leave things in limbo. Thanks for the interesting post, Roy!
Thanks for your comment, Suerae.
Whether the 1 year helps or not, many states have adopted it. And, as Roberta said, why don’t we have a 1 year wait to get married? And, a course in having kids during that time- and not how to raise them AFTER you have decided to divorce. Well, bass-ackward seems to be the way most of our government edicts are….
Rooy
As someone who has learned the choice of being married every day and have been married for over 40 years, I know it is not always champagne and roses. But KEEP the state, the church and your parents out of your marriage. Divorce means that people learn to opt out of commitments. People fall in and out of love but marriage is a CONTRACT and people need to learn to take responsibility for contracts and for keeping their word. Sometimes people just need time to sit and talk but life gets in the way and that time to renew both the words and deeds that led to marriage are not there.
Perhaps what makes more sense is a one year period before you can marry and any children conceived out of wedlock or pre-marriage are handled in a different way.
Clap, clap, clap.
You have it, right there, Roberta.
Roy
Hmmm.. another piece of paper the lawyers have to file with the courts — ca-ching$
I hadn’t quite thought of it that way- but it is a law professor and a judge advocating this program.
Thanks for your $0.02, PeggyLee!
I wasn’t miserable the whole 36 years I was married, but a large part of it. I knew I couldn’t take care of little children and do a job. So I waited. I had a child commit suicide, another got as far away as possible and the youngest has low self-esteem. I don’t know if it would have made any difference. There is no way to see what might have been. Now it is hard to make ends meet. My ex told me while I was still married that I had no worth because I didn’t make very much money. I know I have worth because I am a Child of God, but will my sister and I wind up in the streets? I hope that I am making a living wage before that happens.
Ann- sometimes we just made lousy choices- and then have to make the best of it for our family. And, sometimes, that does not pan out either.
One can only work to improve one’s lot. Your writing should make that difference. I hope that happens for you- and all of us- too!
Roy
I seriously doubt a one year waiting period to get married would be any more beneficial than a one year waiting period for divorce. I married my husband after 6 months of knowing him. We’ve been married 21 years and still going strong. The problem is the reasons people get married. I can list the many reasons I’ve heard but the majority of them are wrong.
I don’t think the main reason people get divorced is because they fall out of love. I think it’s because a lot of people fall out of love with the life the live together.
Sherrie:
Thanks for your comments.
I think folks expect this life explained in fairy tales- happily ever after. So, when things get tough, they don’ feel they have to do anything- except complain and/or leave. I think that is one of the primary reaons for divorce- and I don’t think a 1 year period helps or hurts- unless there’s education provided during the time period. And, that things have not decayed beyond where things can be repaired.
Roy
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Thanks for dropping in, Solicitor! I am glad you did.
I hope you visit often.
Roy
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Roy
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Roy