Quality versus quantity? That’s been the argument forever about raising kids. Which became even louder as moms began trading their jobs at home for jobs in the office or factory. Couple that with the desire to give our kids everything we never had (violin lessons, soccer camp, ballet, scouting) and we have a recipe for overload.

And, now, many parents are scheduling their kids’ afternoons using Uber. Sending the kids from school to lesson to lesson to home. All the while working, making enough money to give the kids what they think they need.

But, research says what kids really need is time as a family. Eating dinner together. NO phones. NO texting. Together- time. That’s what quality means. And, parents are just as guilty as the kids are.

And, believe it or not, most American parents spend more time with their kids than parents from other countries do with their own kids. Which, according to new research, means nothing at all.

That’s right. A longitudinal study of children ranging from age 3 to age 11 is out saying the amount of time we spend with our kids is not that important. There is no relationship between time spent with our kids and their emotional status, their behavior, or their academic achievement. There is only one exception.

These are the results of the study, authored by Drs. Melissa Milkie (Toronto), Kai Nomaguchi (Bowling Green State), and Kathleeny Denny (Maryland), which has been published in the Journal of Marriage and Family. (No, I don’t make up these journal names!)  The research was based upon time-diary studies (Panel Study of Income Dynamics, Child Development Supplement) where children’s activities were recorded by their parents over 24 hours, with random samplings of weekdays and weekends. Yes, they are based upon recall; but since the activities must total 24 hours, actions recorded in sequence, and in virtually contemporaneous fashion, they are thought to be most reliable processes.

Besides the one exception (don’t worry- I’ll tell you later) to positive outcomes, they did find a strong negative correlation. Stressed out moms- who feel guilty, are deprived of sleep, anxious- manage to convey that anxiety to their kids.

Given that, it is important to note what interactions do have positive effects. Reading to your child, engaging with them one-on-one (remember those father-son [and, in my case, father-daughter] catches?)… and sharing meal time. These yield positive outcomes for our kids. Warmth and sensitivity are also crucial. That’s what we need to stress- not the amount of time.

Amazingly, moms today- working moms- are spending the same amount of time with their kids as moms did in the 1960’s. (This study was more interested in whether moms had special effects- even more than dads…so given that hypothesis, they didn’t really analyze both genders equally.)

Oh, that exception. (I told you I would share it with you!) When an adolescent spends time with mom, s/he is less like to abuse drugs or alcohol, manifest risky or illegal behavior- and even do better in math. The time involved- six hours. That’s a week, not a day!
Tomorrow, I will discuss a different study about parental involvement with even younger kids.

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